I Buried My Old Man

I thought burying my old man would be painful and something I would not survive, but it wasn‘t. My old man and I were pretty good friends...so I was shocked when I buried him that it wasn’t very difficult at all. He knew me better than any one and would often let stories about me surface…even things I had forgotten. I’m actually very happy he is gone. Let me explain.

I had an incredible weekend at the International House of Prayer. Friday night at the Student Awakening Service…someone gave me a word-God is bringing you to a new place of Joy and Laughter! Wow! Laughter! Bring it God, bring it! Saturday, a friend shared a simple story that impacted me in a huge way-He told us a story about his Dad. He remembered playing hide and seek with his Dad, brother, and sister. His joy was present even as his words met my ears…his voice softened as he said he would find a great hiding place and his Dad would look for him. His Dad would find him, but wouldn’t let him know…then his Dad would jump toward the place he was hiding, scaring him and they would laugh. It was a sweet memory. I remember just spending time with my Dad, he said.

Then he said-God is no different. He just wants us to enjoy spending time with him. There doesn’t have to be some great healing, or revelation, or movement…just spend time with your father. Wow! That’s how the rest of the weekend went…I was focused only on enjoying time with my father. God chose something more. He delivered me of depression and a huge spirit of regret…I know this is an incredible milestone in my walk with Him. Until this weekend, I wouldn’t let God in one area of my life. I didn’t really realize that until…about three weeks ago. A friend of mine prayed for me…he prayed that I would let God in. He said he could see me sitting on my couch covered in my quilt of sadness…Jesus was next to me. He continuing praying…saying James open up. Lift the quilt and let Jesus in.

Processing that later, I realized I hadn’t let God in the deep-rooted pain that came after my divorce. I felt like I deserved my pain and it was a consequence of my choice. Additionally, a great sadness developed while learning to live in what felt like complete silence after living with a wife for 9 years and 2 year old boy. I couldn’t adjust to the silence of my new home and my empty new world. Through God I was able to see the pain that caused my sadness, but I never let him in. I let Him close enough to process the pain some and identify some issues around it, but I never let Him in. Saturday…that changed. I opened up…I lifted my quilt of heaviness and God was there…and He came in and ministered His love to me………..and I broke, completely open. It was messy…and sorta loud, but beautiful in so many ways.

Sunday, a guy in my group was going to be baptized. A Baptism of Repentance. Our leader opened the baptism to the rest of us…I instantly raised my hand. God had already placed baptism on my heart. About four weeks ago…I had a discussion about baptism with a man I respect very much. Then on Saturday night…they were baptizing. We talked about how when first come to Christ you get baptized, but for some they get baptized again. I starting praying about and felt like this was something I should do…so much has changed since I was baptized and I’m a new man now.
So Sunday God moved in an amazing way and 6 of us were baptized. Oh…it was so sweet! I buried my old man!!!
I was convicted and knew I needed to do this after our leader explained that past cultures had murders literally carry the dead man on their back.
The dead would literally decompose into the killer. I've never killed a man...but I have carried the weight of some of my sins. I've had the death of marriage decompose into my flesh...it was time to bury my old man. The baptism, the real one, that took place in my heart, released so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ah-God is so good!!!


I buried my old man on Sunday, February 28, 2010 and I’m very happy he is gone. Hallelujah!

JAMES AVERY TUCKER

posted courtsey of free wifi at McDonalds, Midwest City, OK

(I'm not an editor...so forgive me when the words in my head don't make it on the page or when the English Major (turned Minor) isn't present!)