My Crazy Heart

I just saw the movie Crazy Heart. Wow…it is affecting me. I don’t know if it’ll win the Oscar or not, but it touched a cord in my heart. Yes…my “Crazy Heart.”

Is there a difference between lost and loss…what does Webster say? I’m not sure, but Dictionary.com says:

Lost–adjective
1. no longer possessed or retained: lost friends.
2. no longer to be found: lost articles.
3. having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children.
4. not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage.
5. being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize.

Loss–noun
1. detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get: to bear the loss of a robbery.
2. something that is lost: The painting was the greatest loss from the robbery.
3. an amount or number lost: The loss of life increased each day.
4. the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had: the loss of old friends.
5. death, or the fact of being dead: to mourn the loss of a grandparent.

When I was 16 or 17 my mother gave me a ring. I loved this ring, because it belonged to my father who had died when I was 6. I didn’t know my father at all. My mother and father separated when I was 3. They got back together when I was 6 and 3 months later he died. Sometimes, I can still see the pain of that when I look into my mother’s heart through her dark brown eyes. I have always longed to have some connection to my father. I don’t remember when I became aware that my mother had his ring, but from the moment I became aware…I wanted it. I’ve never really thought about what it must have been like for her to give me his ring…not until now. My crazy heart…my selfish heart! My mother gave me the ring and I loved it. It instantly did something to my masculinity…somehow in my crazy heart it felt as if he taught me how to change the oil in my car and we had the TALK…somehow, in my crazy heart, I knew him in a way I never had…I was wearing a ring that he wore…and it meant the world to me.

The ring was a little loose…I remember thinking wow…our hands were almost the same size. I was careful with the ring…as much as a 16 or 17 year old would be. Funny how things…including perspective…change with age. I love you MOM! (I'm not sure my mother knows...) I lost the ring.

Since it didn’t fit all the way…I would take it off when there was potential for it to fall off-I treasured it and didn’t want anything to happen to it so I would take off when I would wash my hands or use the bathroom…stuff like that. One time I was at the Mall, Ingram Park Mall in San Antonio, TX. I had to use the restroom while shopping. I went to the nearest restroom on the second floor. I entered the stall. I removed the ring…then remembered two hours later…that I had left the ring on a dispenser in the stall. When I went back…the ring was gone. I lost the ring, but loss so much more.

The movie touched a cord…

He was lost…I’ve been lost. He loss so much…I’ve loss so much. Even with his loss, he continued to lived lost. The bible says men cherish your wife. I didn’t cherish my wife…there is more to the story than that, but for now…let’s focus on me not cherishing my wife. I lost my marriage. I loss so much more…I loss good night kisses with my son. I lost a part of fathering that can never be gained again. I lost witnessing my son grow out of things, like pajamas and toy cars. I loss a part of my crazy heart. Lost and Loss.

There are so many moments in life I can’t get back…like making a choice to lay my father’s ring down in a restroom stall…like walking away when my wife cried…like not being at my son’s game…or seeing him walk into his school on school mornings…the weekends aren’t enough for a father’s heart. Not for me…and not for him.

The movie touched a cord…

I wrote a poem for my son when I was lost…grieving my loss. Grieving the loss of daily parenting…Son this is for you.

You, Beautiful You

There’s a funny sound that silence makes, it’s like the color of tears. Interesting…the way a flower wilts or the way coffee stains and how lonely aged with time becomes a friend. Still the stillness of a home is haunting and though there are freedoms I would trade them for more.

I see you-you reach for bubbles…with amazing amazement you fulfill me.
Then you take the fuzz from your toes and you pull it through like the threads of life that I hang on to. You-beautiful you.

I look out the window and wonder about you… Where time will take you and how I will fit in… The clouds dance around themselves and I move to the music, but I want to sing you your song and hold you and never move on, but life isn’t crazy that way and I try, but you, you cannot hear me…

I see you-you get out of your car…with amazing amazement you fulfill me.
Then you take your keys from hand and put them on the shelf like the pictures of life that I hang on to. You-beautiful you.

There’s a fan that cools the room…smells of paint…making old new. How is life for you? I take this time and know to make the best because time doesn’t wait it burns through our souls and we…we can’t get it back and the choices are made, the roads are taken and we have today and maybe tomorrow, but we don’t know.

I see you-you laugh so wonderfully with amazing amazement you fulfill me.
Then you take the words I write for you and save them like the memories of life that I hang on to. You-beautiful you.


Written by James Avery Tucker

Posting sponsored by free wifi at McDonalds, Midwest City, OK

This blog was started before the Academy Awards...it was actually being written while the show was being aired. Congratulations to Jeff Bridges who played Mad in the movie.



“THE WEARY KIND”
Your heart’s on the loose
You rolled them seven’s with nothing lose
And this ain‘t no place for the weary kind

You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this don’t feel like home anymore

And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same

Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesn’t forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside

And this ain’t no place for the weary kind
And this ain’t no place to lose your mind
And this ain’t no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your lovers won’t kiss
It‘s too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world

Your heart‘s on the loose
You rolled them seven‘s with nothing lose
And this ain’t no place for the weary kind

From the movie "Crazy Heart"